Q&A with Dr. Terry Singh Ph.D, R. Psych
Children often have big questions during separation and divorce — even if they don’t always say them out loud.
In this section, Dr. Terry Singh Ph.D., R.Psych shares thoughtful, age-appropriate answers to some of the most common questions kids and teens have. These responses are designed to help children feel understood, supported, and less alone in what they’re experiencing.
Navigating Emotions & Loyalty
1. I love my mom so much and I hate saying goodbye to her when I have to go to my dad’s house even though I also love my dad. Why are these feelings so confusing?
Transitions are the hardest part. It’s okay to feel "split" because you’re grieving one parent while trying to be happy for the other. It doesn't mean you love one less; it just means your heart is trying to be in two places at once.
2. My parents don't speak, and I'm not allowed to say the other’s name. Why can't they put their differences aside for me?
It feels like a tug-of-war, doesn’t it? Usually, parents are so hurt or angry with each other that they forget their "noise" is hurting you. It isn't because they don't love you; it's because they haven't learned how to separate their "ex-partner" feelings from their "parent" feelings yet.
3. Is it my fault they broke up? I promised to clean my room more, but they still split.
Absolutely not. Grown-up relationships are like big puzzles, and when pieces stop fitting, it’s between the adults. No amount of cleaned rooms or good grades can cause (or fix) a divorce.
4. I feel guilty when I’m having fun at Dad’s because I know Mom is home alone. How do I stop worrying about her?
You aren't your parent's protector. It’s Mom’s job to find her own fun and friends. When you feel guilty, remind yourself: "Mom wants me to be happy, and me being sad won't make her feel better."
5. Why does my heart hurt even when nothing "bad" is happening today?
Grief isn't a straight line. Sometimes you’re fine, and sometimes a smell or a song reminds you of when everyone lived together. That "heart hurt" is just you missing the way things used to be.
Logistics & "Home" Life
6. My friends say they’re "going home," but I just go to "Mom’s" or "Dad’s." How do I make a real home?
Home isn't a building; it’s a feeling. You can make both places "home" by having a "permanent" corner in each—like your own posters, a specific drawer, or a routine that only happens there.
7. I forgot my "stuffy" at Dad’s and Mom won’t let me go get it. I feel lost. How do I prevent this?
Transitions are busy! Try a "Go-Bag" checklist taped to your door. Or, ask for a "Duplicate" stuffy—a "twin" that lives at Mom’s so you’re never without a friend.
8. I miss my dog at Mom’s because she’s allergic. I’m worried he’ll forget me. What do I do?
Dogs have amazing memories and love you unconditionally. To feel closer, ask for a photo of your dog to keep by your bed at Mom’s, or FaceTime your pup! He won't hate you; he’ll just be extra wiggly when he sees you again.
9. Rules are totally different at both houses. At Dad’s I stay up late; at Mom’s I have a 7 PM bedtime. It’s exhausting!
Think of it like school vs. home. You follow different rules for different "bosses." It takes a few hours to "reset" your brain when you switch houses. Give yourself permission to be a little cranky during that "reset" time.
10. I hate living out of a suitcase. Can I just have two sets of everything?
That is a great thing to ask your parents! Tell them: "Moving my stuff makes me feel like a visitor." Having your own toothbrush, pajamas, and chargers at both houses makes you feel like a resident, not a guest.
The "Messenger" Problem
11. Mom asks me what Dad is doing, and Dad asks if Mom is dating. I feel like a spy. What do I say?
It’s okay to say, "I’d rather not talk about what happens at the other house. It makes me feel uncomfortable." You are their child, not their private investigator.
12. Dad says mean things about Mom. It feels like he’s saying mean things about me, too. Is that true?
Since you are "half" Mom and "half" Dad, hearing them talk bad about each other feels like they are attacking you. It’s important to tell him, "When you say that about Mom, it hurts my feelings because I love her."
13. What if I want to stay at Mom's for a big party, but it's Dad's weekend?
This is about "flexibility." Ask your parents to look at a calendar together. It’s okay to ask for a change, but remember that the "schedule" exists to make sure you see both parents fairly.
New Families & The Future
14. Dad has a new girlfriend and she’s trying to act like my mom. I hate it. How do I make her stop?
It’s okay to have boundaries. You can be polite without being "best friends." You might say, "I like you, but I already have a mom, so let's just be friends for now."
15. Mom is dating and I’m afraid she’ll forget about me. Will she?
Never. A parent’s love isn't like a pie where there are only a few slices. It’s more like a bunch of candles: She can light a new candle (the boyfriend) without her own light (her love for you) getting any dimmer.
Fears & Big Questions
16. If they stopped loving each other, will they stop loving me too?
Parent-child love is "built-in." It’s a different kind of DNA connection. Adults choose to be with partners, but they don't "choose" to be your parent—they just are, and that bond doesn't break.
17. Why do I have to go to a therapist? Am I broken?
Not at all! Think of a therapist like a "coach" for your feelings. Just like a soccer coach helps you kick better, a therapist helps you handle the "big hits" that divorce throws at you.
18. What if one parent moves far away?
That is a scary thought. If it happens, you'll use technology (like video calls) and longer summer visits to stay connected. Distance changes how you see them, but not who they are to you.
19. Will I ever have a normal family again?
You have a family right now. It just looks different. "Normal" is just a word. Many happy families live in two houses. You are building a "new normal."
20. Why do they keep arguing about money in front of me?
Money is a "grown-up stressor." When they argue about it, they are usually just scared. Remind them: "I don't like hearing about money, it makes me feel like I'm a bill instead of a kid."
21. I want my parents to get back together. Is it wrong to keep wishing for that?
It’s a very common wish! Most kids feel this way for a long time. But while it’s okay to wish it, it’s important to accept the reality so you can start feeling better in your new life.
22. Can I choose who I want to live with?
In many places, as you get older, judges or parents will listen to your opinion. However, it’s a big weight to carry. Usually, it’s better for the adults to decide so you don’t feel like you’re "choosing" one parent over the other.
23. What if I forget what it was like when we were all together?
Photos and videos are great for this. It’s okay to keep a "memory box" of the old times. Having a past doesn't mean you can't have a great future.
24. Does it ever get easier?
Yes. Right now, everything is new and "loud." Over time, the routines will become second nature, the "stuffy" will stay in the right house more often, and your heart will get used to the new rhythm.
Managing the "Middle Man" Stress
25. My mom tells me one story about why they broke up, and my dad tells me a totally different one. Who am I supposed to believe?
It is so frustrating when you feel like you’re being asked to be a judge! The truth is, there are usually three stories: Mom’s version, Dad’s version, and the real truth somewhere in the middle. You don’t have to choose a side. It’s okay to tell them, "I love you both, but I don’t want to hear about the 'why' of the breakup anymore."
26. I want to play soccer, but the games are on Dad’s weekends and he lives an hour away. Mom says it’s his responsibility, and he says she’s being difficult. Why do I have to quit what I love?
This feels like you’re being punished for a situation you didn’t create. Sometimes, parents get so caught up in "the schedule" or "the drive" that they forget your childhood is happening right now. You might try saying: "This isn't about Mom or Dad; this is about my team. Can we find a way to make sure I don't miss out on being a kid?"
27. My dad has a new "friend" and I’m supposed to call her 'Auntie,' but I don't even know her. Why are they forcing me to be a family with a stranger?
When parents start dating, they are often so excited they want you to love the new person immediately. But relationships take time! It’s okay to tell your dad, "I’m happy you’re happy, but I need to go slow. Can we just hang out as the two of us for a while before I have to spend time with her?"
28. At one house I have a big room and a gaming system, but at the other house, I sleep on a pull-out couch and there’s no Wi-Fi. I feel bad for liking one house more than the other. Am I being shallow?
Not at all! You aren't "choosing" a parent based on their stuff; you’re just reacting to your environment. It’s natural to prefer a place where you feel comfortable and entertained. To balance it out, try to find one "special" thing you only do at the "simpler" house (like a board game night or a specific park nearby) so that home has its own unique value for you.
29. What if I want to talk to Mom while I’m at Dad’s, but Dad gets quiet and grumpy when I pick up the phone?
That "quiet" feeling usually comes from Dad feeling a little jealous or worried that you aren't enjoying your time with him. You can help by saying, "I’m having a great time here, I just want to say a quick goodnight to Mom so I can sleep better." Setting a specific "phone time" (like 7:00 PM) can also help make it a predictable part of the day so it doesn't feel like a surprise "interruption" to him.